I have had some form of depression since my early 20s ... probably before.
I'm not sure how it manifested. My brother and I both believe our father experienced depression throughout his life. Unfortunately, being from the 'I'm Too Proud To Admit My Problems' generation, he never told anyone. Let alone dealt with it.
Thus, there's probably a bit of genetics involved. Plus, a good amount of self-imposed doubt, anxiety, lack of confidence, and apocalyptic thinking blended in. The result is not tasty at all. It's dark, bitter, and sprinkled with salty tears. Some mornings, it gets heated with a constant run of anxious thoughts. For those who deal with depression, these symptoms are overwhelming.
For some reason, I always think about the 1990s FOX series Party of Fivewhen it comes to this ailment. In a run of episodes, the girlfriend of Charlie Salinger (pre-Lost Matthew Fox) experienced a bout of depression. She was shown under the bed covers in a dark room. Each time she looked into the camera her eyes were swollen. Her cheeks streaked with tears.
For many people, this is not what depression is. Yes, there are moments when we don't want to get out of bed or cry due to overwhelming thoughts. For the most part we get up, go to work, take care of our kids, etc. The main difference is we feel like there's a 100-pound weight on our shoulders and we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
What saved me during the darkest days of this ailment, and what helps millions of others, is writing. Or painting. Or dance. Or Improv. Or ... pretty much anything creative.
Creativity has been used for years to heal those with depression. For example, art therapy is a proven method to ease the most debilitating cases. The therapy helps determine the thoughts which trigger the depression. Then, it helps change them to be more positive.
Before I admitted to myself that I had a problem, I noticed the healing powers of creativity. Whenever I committed to writing or performed with my Improv troupe, the weight was lifted from my shoulders. Though temporary, it was liberating.
I see the same results today. The weight of depression has subsided. Sadly, it has been replaced by overwhelming anxiety, accumulated from two years of losing myself. So, when I can, I find something to release those precious chemicals that quiet my brain. For example, this blog.
Two things I request of you. First, if you are truly depressed, to the point where you feel no one would notice if you disappeared, stop reading RIGHT NOW and seek immediate help. Second, if you have controlled depression/anxiety, or even if you're in the midst of a down day, reach toward a creative outlet and make it your focus. It may provide temporary relief. Or, it can start a chain reaction that could lift the fog that has kept you down for so long.
